Is Forever Enough?

 

 


Today marks the one year anniversary of discovering I was pregnant. I had taken a pregnancy test every three days since we learned the vasectomy had failed. So far, all negative. I took the last one as a silly joke, mostly because I didn’t want to “waste” it and throw it away unused. I used it, set it on the counter, and waited. A faint plus sign popped up. HA! Hilarious! I contacted a friend, who said the blue ones are generally less reliable than a pink dye one. I slept fitfully, hoping the test was a false positive.

In the morning, I offered to run “for donuts” before my husband left to take an important test. I bought a pink test, only one question, but far more important to answer. I stared out the window at the clump of tulips that had somehow survived tilling. We had tilled everything smooth since we knew we would be selling the house and moving to Georgia while my husband attended military school there. These tulips lived and their presence confounded me. I looked back at the test. There it was. Two lines, firm, no mistake.

April 14th, 2015.

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Eleven days short of my baby turning one. I was horrified. We had so many plans. Being pregnant with a third child was not one of them. A few days later, I confessed to my husband. He was so tender, a bit excited, and I cried into his neck.

 “Hey, hey, it’s okay. We have two kids and they are pretty awesome. This kid will be awesome, too.”

With each birth of my boys, I had picked out a special song to sing to them at bedtime. With my oldest it was Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi.” During a good amount of Dane’s babyhood, my husband was attending a military school in Georgia. The lyrics spontaneously came to mind as I rocked my nursing infant, exhausted and lonely, and running a solo show. “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?”

When my second son was born after a challenging delivery, my husband excitedly announced that it was another little boy. My momstincts were already pointing toward boy so I wasn’t terribly surprised. As I stroked his sweet red face and inspected his every crease, natural birth hormones washed over me. John Lennon’s “Beautiful Boy” came out of my throat. “Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful boy.” That was the only part I knew but that was all I needed at the time, on repeat as we snuggled and nursed and got to know one another. I had to learn the rest of the song to sing it to him at night.

I remember having a particularly trying day and standing in the kitchen of our first house listening to what Songza labeled the “Lullabye Mix.” A song came on and arrested my attention at the chorus.

“How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, is forever enough?
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough?
Cause I’m never, never giving you up.”

I stood, my belly just starting to poke through under my apron and knew this was Reece’s song, our bonus baby. Tears came to my eyes. I was not ready to take on another baby. I was scared, but this song came to remind me that it all boils down to love, even the hard stuff.  I have never picked a song so early before, especially since we had so many unknowns. But I learned the lyrics, and sang and sang and sang it. Sometimes I would offer it to the boys during bedtime, rubbing my growing belly as I rocked or lied next to them. Sometimes I would just hum it to Reece and occasionally in the car while alone, I would belt it out at the top of my lungs. He would wiggle from the volume, probably trying to get me to shut up.

Now when I hear this song, I hear it with a new perspective. This was the lullabye song I had picked out to sing to my last baby, to hold him and rock him, and watch him sleep. To soothe him when he’s teething or sick or just restless. I don’t sing it much anymore, now I just listen.

“As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you’re miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

I just listen because sometimes I feel he is singing to me. He is sending me a lullabye to soothe my aching heart. He is sending it back to me to fill in these places where there are no answers for why he isn’t here.

“How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, is forever enough?
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough?
Cause I’m never, never giving you up.

https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrSbm1d5g9XCyUAewlXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTByNWU4cGh1BGNvbG8DZ3ExBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzYw–?p=Dixie+Chicks+Lullabye+Youtube&fr=mcafee#id=2&vid=961d3c5709231c4ef25b63c2ad5566ec&action=view

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